I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
