Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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