Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
