her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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