i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
