so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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