Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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