if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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