I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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