You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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