THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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