Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
