u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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