sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
