I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize