I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This house was built for laser tag.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
