I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
