South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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