John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
