The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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