Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize