3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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