Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
