It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
