So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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