Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
