Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
