My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
cat food counts as protein by the way
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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