Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
