i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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