Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
