im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize