And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize