Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
