I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
