the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
