Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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