All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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