you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
