my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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