His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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