We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
