life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
