my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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