I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
