Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
