go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this beer tastes like vomit already
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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