I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
