You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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