I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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