i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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