And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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