I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
