Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize