I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
