And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Randomize
