Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
