i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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