My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
